Ololade

Everyone thinks I'm crazy for chasing Lola. Most of you don't even know who she is because I haven't really said much about her here.

Well to make a long story short and impersonal, Ololade (Lola) is a girl with whom I had a very emotional relationship when I was younger. I met her (online!) when I was like 15, and I swore that there was nothing more perfect than Lola. As I've recently looked back at old notebooks and journals from highschool, her name is EVERYWHERE. And I'm a guy. It was that deep. Well, fast forward to about 19, and Adam and Lola still haven't met. Needless to say, we're both emotional slush, we've spent thousands of dollars of collective phone bill damage and carpal tunnel is knocking at the door. Whenever someone says 'marriage', this God-seeking, witty, creative Nigerian/Norweigian beauty comes immediately to mind. This may sound cute, but if you think about it again, it's really not. It's no way to try to get through college, not the healthiest thing for the emotions, and most importantly, this "invisible-yet-clearly-present-love" is swiftly usurping the affection that I should have been placing in my invisible-yet-clearly-present GOD. (My tenses are ALL OVER THE PLACE with this post!)

Okay...so we "break it off" (I promise you it was less lame at the time), and we go our separate ways. I think the most significant sign that we are no longer setting our affections on each other, is that by now, Lola has decided to stop wearing the "Virtuous Woman" pendant that I sent her for one of her birthdays. (I promise you it was less lame at the time).

Meanwhile in "real life" I got a 4.0 that semester, produced some of my best student films to date, and co-starred in a play (incidentally written by one fledgling Khristi Lauren Adams). I also met Ayana, my future ex (whole 'nother Bat Time and Bat Channel). So I changed a lot. My life became a little bit more than "the times in between calls to Lola". Great. Amen. So be it.

Well Lola did some changing of her own. I can't really speak for her, so all I can say is that she became a young leader in her church, began writing and singing much more often, and she earned a degree in Journalism (soon to complete one in Art)

So the kids grew up...

And this is where it becomes a blur, so I'll skip the details since I'll never get them right. I'm fully admitting that I may botch some major details or that I may have cause and effect mixed up, or that I may just be flat out lying...cuz, I CAN'T remember....

Well...Lola's engaged. I finally met Lola in New York (not where she's from). We had a blast. And for me, all the work I had done to untrain my mind to make associative pairs between Lola and Love began to crumble. Of course she's beautiful...I knew that from pictures...but she's STRIKING. I mean, I'm a cocky bastard, God help me...but I found myself writing down the things she said in my holy grail diary...and WAIT! I let her READ IT! Nobody has read the grail diary. Nobody. Except Lola. Who's now engaged to "The Nigerian (TM)"
Something woke up for me that weekend. And I may be too late...
I've tried my best to cast her in the best possible light...but I deserve some iota of credit. Those who know me personally, and those of you who have been reading this blog can attest that I have some shred of dignity (okay, maybe that's a lie) but I'm not a complete beast. I wouldn't chase unless there were a scent to track....(Sorry, I'm in Texas) In other words, I can't quite explain or remember what they are, but there are SIGNS that I've been given that are leading me on...
My biggest foothold is that Lola has YET to tell me that she loves the guy she's marrying!
Ouch.
Forget me for a second...that's just...it hurts. Hahaha...I guess I nixed the "forgetting me" part...
Sure, I'm smitten by the Lola bug...cool. Understood...but I'm an expert healer, I'm a Christian, I'm a mature mind, and I know that God is my maker and my caretaker, and that He's got my emotional back. But we're going on SEVEN years as friends...even though I am invested in her....
Okay...let's say it like THIS...
It's easier for me to let go if I know that she's simply, and euphorically and satiatedly chosen this guy over me. I want her to be happy. I want her to express her joy. If the tables were truned, I'd do that much. It's important...but she hasn't. We spoke about jack nothing the other day, and she gave me a personality test (I'm a "High I" but the way)...and all throughout the conversation, she was laughing and smiling. And her voice never smiles when she talks about him. She's never spoken of him fondly...her way of speaking has never been fond, I mean...she speaks about him as though he were the most productive stock in her portfolio. Like we speak about calcium and vitamin c...like we speak about the pope. With respect, but no emotion. Does her heart skip a beat (in a good way) when he calls? Does she anticipate their talks and their time together? I need to hear a YES on all of those before I can go on..and there's so much more...
I mean, I won't concede to someone who won't at least make her smile....and we all know that as a Christian man, and a husband, there's much more that needs to be there....
Ahhhhh
and here's the question...what if he's everything good that I'm not...what if he's old and stable and predictable and trustworthy and God fearing...does that make it okay to ignore the fact that he doesn't appear to have anything she's interested in??

Anyhow, this post is all about how everyone in whom I've confided is telling me to run the other way. Mahlet is just about ready to fly down here and bodyslam me. Mac is the only guy with whom I've spoken to about this (not recently) and he wants us to just "stop frontin' and get married already" I wish. Ehhhh...
I have a fever...I'm wearing a hoodie and sipping reisling and downing vitamins trying to sweat this out...i guess i should heat this stuff up and change into some sweatpants and make the tea like mom used to do. Gross. And I'm supposed to be editing all day today...
Wow..
FINALLY...
a post from the heart...
and of course she looks like the bad one, and I get the "Awwwwwwwwww"
I really just want some serious satisfying closure one way or the other.

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUY
SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAII'S
ALLLLLLLBUUUUUUUUUM!!!!

http://www.lampmode.com